A Prescription for Hope

My Prof actually wrote out a prescription for hope for me - on his prescription book! He wrote out the letters H O P E !! and underlined it twice. Twice!

My appointment was last Thursday, and I drove to the practice with the feeling that inevitably the Prof would most likely agree with Dr S that things were not looking good for my eggs and that donor is the only way to go.

I arrived and waited in his room for a few minutes feeling a little nervous but resigned to what I had roll-played in my mind. The Prof arrived still in scrubs and I was pleased to see him - he really has such a collected and calm energy. He sat down and opened my file and asked me "Tell me what you think about this whole situation"...

?? Really. So off I launched into my pre-orchestrated spiel about protocols and Dr Sher's views on using Menopur and concerns about being Oestrogen dominant etc etc. So he stops me mid-rant and says, "No, you are chatting now - just tell me what you think about where we are." I was at a loss for words admittedly...what was I to say? So he said "Well I am going to tell you what I think. I think we do not give up just yet".

W H A T!!!! Not what I was expecting at ALL. And the tears started...I had been prepared to have an adult discussion about donor eggs and where to so I was not ready for this...

Still speechless, he continued to tell me that he had just got back from a conference where a lot of emphasis was placed on poor responders and he had actually used me as a case study under discussion. Apparently there was resounding agreement from all the dr's present that due to the fact that I have had two ectopics, we should not be too quick to give up. It is clear I have viable eggs and it may just be more difficult to find them...however, it is too soon to turn to donor.

I told him that I had come today with a message from my sister that she has lots of happy eggs for me. He made a note of that on my file but said that we have time...and if we need to go down the donor road then my sister will still be there next year or the following year. He said he can see I am not ready for donor.

I mentioned money as a reality and he understands there are financial limitations. He told me that I qualify to be included in a project due to my case which allocates R5000 towards a cycle (not sure for how many though...) and he will also waive all doctor fees so we will only need to cover direct med costs and lab costs. He wants to look at doing PICSI next time as even though DH little guys are abundant, we need to make sure we are getting the best genetic superstars as this could also be a reason why our embryos are not making it. I will be on what is called the "Washington protocol" which is low stims (so cheap stims...) and the aim will be on trying to get one good egg...to make one good embryo...

So, we are giving it 2010...my journey...another year...of HOPE....of prayer....of preperation...of the collection of emotions this process brings with it...

But I know one thing....I will not give up....not until I am holding our little one.

A colleague gave me a voucher for a tarot reading by a intuitive who works with his guides as well. So yesterday I went to see him. My obvious question was: when is this journey that in fact started with a reading will end. He said that they said to tell me that I still have some way to go but 2011 looks like it could be the year, that I must not give up treatments, that my first born will be a boy, most definitely. He told me that I should remember that special children are worth the wait and that I have been on this long journey to prepare for him....

I bought a small magnetic heart with the word "believe" on it.

And I have it stuck on our fridge.

Next to The Prescription.

For hope.

Our bounty

Here is proof of the satisfaction one gets from being able to grow your own food. I mean how amazing is this...the incredible bounty from our veggie garden....

When will I have this on a larger scale? And with space for my donkey and horse and dam and oak tree and chickens and a huge studio where I do my work and am successful for all the years to come until I can watch my grandchildren running across the lawn towards me....

Personal Trainer from hell

Well...I have replaced acupuncture with a personal trainer. The one the antithesis of the other. One meditational and natural calm healing, the other hardcore tearing of muscles to build tone and form...oh well, if I land up with a more lean mean me, then great.

The session was an hour long. The routine, unrelenting. Competitive Cam did it all, even though I could feel my thigh muscles ripping and burning. I had no idea that the next day, and even worse the day after that would leave my body screaming with stiffness. Eina. What do I say to her next week? Surely the exercises should have been do-able? Surely one shouldn't be in such agony after doing them? I am going to have to admit defeat though as I am not looking forward to another physical fallout of this degree. I am going to have to ask her to tone it down a little!

I have an appointment with the Prof on 10 December. Not sure I want to know what he is going to say...will he take sides with Dr S and agree with what he said, or will he offer me some hope?

I went to see a medical intuitive who works with Jin Shin Jiatsu (sp?). I couldn't stop crying during the session...really all came out. Anyway her insights included the fact that I have a fear of freedom and a fear of the future. Go figure.

She did some chakra and energy point healing and during the session I was finding it hard to breathe when her hands were in some positions while easy to breathe when in other positions. Wierd. But felt nice and calm afterwards. She feels I could do well to hand it over to the universe. And do some self-help healing using the central energy points (think?) daily action. She gave me a copy of what to do and I have been trying to remember each morning.

I am also now more a brunette than a blonde. Decided to go more my natural colour with a few highlights but hairdresser chose a lovely colour called "honey lavender" so we went with it...very interesting shades of brown, purple, gold, red....but nice. DH thinks it is sexy and a bit hooker. I think he's been playing too much Grand Theft Auto.

Persia is growing fast and has started exploring the garden with Asia. They are really playing nicely together and have taken to tearing across the lawn under the basil and lavender bushes. Just took some great pictures and will load them next week.

Am looking forward to the end of this year. And to a good break. We are going to Knysna to spend xmas with mum and sisters and Mish and friends.

We may also stay for New Year but we may also come back to welcome 2010 in Aurora.

Persia Halo

Introducing Glitterkatz Persia Halo

My consolation prize after all...introducing the newest member of our family....Persia Halo.

Persia is Asia's cousin a couple of times removed! She comes from the same Bengal breeder and they share a grandmother/ great grandmother. We got to see her - she is a F2 so still very Asian Leopard cat and oh so wild. The breeder also had some amazing silver Bengals, but they were all sold. In any case, we really can't get more than 4 cats! Enough animals for now?

Persia is a beauty. She is a brown marbled Bengal and has lots of glitter fur already (shiny golden hairs that glisten in the light). She has a special gold spot on her back and a pyramid on her neck and of course the Bengal spots on her tummy. I think her adult fur will be spectacular. She spent her first week in our bedroom and has been very good until last night when she decided it was playtime at 5am....mmmmm.....

We introduced her to Asia today. At first he was most disgruntled but extremely curious. He spent the morning observing her, growling, mock-charging and checking her out. Persia is quite brave but mewls at him. As I write this, Asia is changing tactic and seems to be trying out a more playful approach. Persia is not so sure about this and is ducking under tables with a squirrel tail. In a couple of days I am sure they will be playing up a storm.

We picked her up on the way back from Knysna. Was great to see mum feeling so well. I am so proud of how she is coping with this illness and I am constantly sending her strength and healing light.

Have been feeling a lot of anxiety since my cancelled cycle - all sorts of imagery and fearful thoughts keep invading my peace of mind - very unwelcome actually. This mirrors my dull state of the moment. My energy levels are low and I find myself listless and a little detached. Had a really bad week with AF at its worst and most painful as well as an incessant headache I couldn't shake. Whether delay tactics or masking my real anxiety or oh whatever.

I do think about it every now and then and I do not know what to do next. I think we need to go speak to the Prof and take it from there. The thought that this journey seems never-ending is wearing me down. Perhaps it is time to give it up even though it feels so wrong. Have been sorting through old photo's and folders today....seeing all the family children growing....seeing the love...seeing the smiles....seeing what we don't have....thinking if I can do it without my DNA....wondering if even that will work....wondering what I will do if it doesn't....not thinking, thinking, not thinking.

I am going to see a medical intuitive on Thursday - perhaps she can shed some light on my physical manifestations and inspire some hope? I hope. Holding onto hope. And in the meantime, I bless all the good things in my life and most especially the love with my so very special DH.

Time out

My worst nightmare since starting out this journey 11 years ago, is starting to happen. Even my FS's are starting to give up on me. Yes. The words I hoped I would never have to listen to were said this morning. Poor egg quality.

My 36 year old eggs seem to be way older than their years. The Prof is on a conference and Dr S has been looking after me this cycle. He is puzzled as I have been pregnant with two ectopics (both would have been viable pregnancies if in my uterus) and with the first IVF (later m/c). But even on the first IVF my embryo quality was not great. In the past two cycles, I have only produced grade 2 and 3 embryos - slow developing and haven't even grown past a 7 cell on day 6. He feels this means that my egg quality has gone downhill fast, and I face the odds as not only am I a poor responder, now my egg quality doesn't look that hot at all.

This means that I could do cycle after cycle, getting only 2 or 3 eggs of poor quality and hope each time that perhaps, just maybe one good one squeezes through. Just the path I was hoping wouldn't be mine. He started chatting about egg donors and even adoption. I so wanted our baby - you all know what I mean - my eyes, my toes. I keep thinking about the ectopics and how close we got. And how unfair it all is. Just because of an infection I got when I was 19 resulted in damaged tubes that cannot carry an embryo to it's resting place. Now because of all the wasted time trying, my eggs seem to be on a time out.

How do you give up your DNA? How do I go down that road now? How do I accept that I could never say "you look like me when I was small"?

I am not sure what to do now. Maybe try one or two more cycles next year? Dr S also suggested that we do very low stims and monitor progress and perhaps cancel before retrieval if follicle count not good. But he agrees the odds are against us and suggests we think through all the options.

For now, I will rest my weary mind and punctured body.

What will be will be

I keep telling myself, what will be will be.

On Wednesday I went under aneasthetic for follicle aspiration. We retrieved 3 eggs - 2 mature and 1 immature. Had to wait 24 hours before first fert report on Thursday. I asked DH to call as I had an owners meeting and couldn't bear the thought of having bad news before being harrassed by the new CEO, who is a bit of a tosser. But...I couldn't wait and sent DH frantic smses to just tell me if it was good or bad news. Instead of indulging my need for skimpy information, he waited an hour before calling me to tell me that only one of the two mature eggs had fertilised and they were waiting for the immature egg to mature and would then fertilise it. Okay...so not great but not too bad...I can hang in the hope camp.

On Friday, again I couldn't make the call. DH found out the news and emailed me. The fertilised eggie had divided and the immature eggie had matured and fertilised. Good news. Great, we stay put in the hope camp.

During retrieval, the anesthetist had popped in for a visit and asked if I was a good hen. I replied, "no, not really". DH added, we are going for free range and grain fed eggs! LOL. So I have named the embies "Free-range" (the first one to fertilise and divide) and the second embryo "Grain-fed" (as he needed a little more nutrition to get going).

On Saturday, we were having breakfast at the Olive Station and my cell rang. I answered. Sister Fourie told me that Grain-fed had not divided. Free range was now a 5 cell embryo, but on day 3 they would like to see an 8 cell. She said that she would call again on Sunday and if all is well, we will do a Monday embryo transfer. If all is well. If. If. If. It has to be well.

Sunday....am waiting for the call.....

The call came at 11.11am.

Free-range is still only a 5 cell. Not good. And Grain-fed started growing and is a 4 cell. Mmmm. This is starting to feel like deja-vu.

I am to go in tomorrow at 11am and if Grain-fed has grown I presume they will want to do the transfer. If the embies have not grown, I leave again with another cancelled cycle.

Not really sure what to do now. Not sure what we will do if this is cancelled again. Maybe it is time to call it a day and let what is to be, be.

Peaceful and positive

Went for scan yesterday and at first I didn't want to look at the monitor. When the FS said, "oh that is a disadvantage", I almost fell off the bed with disbelief. So I looked. I had to. And there on the RHS were three small follies - 13-14mm each. WTF? And then moving over to the LHS, 2 huge follies at 20-22mm already, were smiling at us saying "woohoo, we are ready!" How does that happen? How do these little follies change their minds so radically for no apparent reason and decide to grow on a whim while some just lag behind? So FS decided on the spot to give me the trigger shot that night and to move to ER on Wednesday so as not to potentially lose the two front-runners. He added that he was concerned they would become post-mature...oh great.

So there I sat outside the scan room waiting for meds, and my ole fave FS walks past and asks me "How are you doing?". And what do I do?...Promptly burst into tears and spluttered out "There are only twoooooooo...". He must have regretted asking me that question - but don't men know not to ask that by now and FS's especially - you are just asking for an emotional outburst if things are not that great!!! Anyway, as I choked on my tears, he says to me "Camilla, you have been pregnant before. We only need one".

Only one.

The fear closed in and negativity covered me in a hard shell so quickly that I almost wrote the entire cycle off there and then. I have been here before and I know the ending.

Later that evening I met with one of my intuition course friends and after a great chat, I realised that I simply cannot give into the darkness. She gave me Louise Hay's CD "How to heal your life" which is an extension from the book with all the top metaphysical authors speaking about how to change your life through chosing to change, be positive, live with affirmations etc. I realised that I cannot give up before I have even started, fear or no fear. I will acknowledge the fear and then move into the light. Anything is perfectly possible. Right now. If I don't truly believe this how can I create it?

So, I am back in a positive space and I plan to stay here no matter what.

Because all you need is one.